Why I Tell My Girls They’re Beautiful. Often.

by Mandi on February 16, 2012

why I tell my girls they're beautiful

source: Mandi Ehman

Last June Lisa Bloom wrote a post for Huffington Post, How to Talk to Little Girls, and she makes the point that so often strangers greet little girls by commenting on how cute or pretty they are, what they’re wearing, etc. instead of trying to get to know them for who they really are.

On the surface, I totally get what she’s saying, and I would love for people to appreciate who my girls really are despite how they look, even when just meeting them for second.

For example, I have one daughter who can wow you with the random factoids stored in her head, one who is incredibly sweet and thoughtful, one who loves life and makes us laugh with her exuberance for all it offers, and the baby, who is pretty funny herself these days and also has a wide repertoire of songs to share.

But I’ve also sensed this undercurrent since that post — in conversations about the “princessification” of our culture, gender-neutrality and so on — that seems to suggest that even we as parents should be careful about telling our children, especially our girls, that they’re beautiful.

I could not disagree with that more. As the mother of four girls, the sister of one amazing young woman and, well, a woman myself,  I think the idea that we should not celebrate beauty and femininity is extremely dangerous.

why I tell my girls they're beautiful

source: Mandi Ehman

We All Long to Be Beautiful

Our daughters — not just mine, but yours and every other little girl out there — are beautiful, special little creatures, and each of them deserve to feel pretty and treasured.

I can’t speak for every woman, of course, but I do think that we’re all born with a longing to feel beautiful. We like dressing up. We like playing with makeup and doing our hair. We like trying new outfits.

And even women who don’t care about makeup or fashion want to feel beautiful just the way they are, no?

So if we know our little girls have this longing deep inside of them, why wouldn’t we want to make sure that they know we — the most important people in their lives during these early years — think they are beautiful, inside and out?

Withholding compliments about their looks will not make them want to learn more or be kinder or develop other character traits. And telling them they are beautiful will not make them unkind or dumb.

All Kids Go Through an Ugly Duckling Stage

Do you remember junior high? Because I do. And it’s safe to say that I was far from beautiful during those very, very awkward years.

I find it hard to believe that my parents couldn’t see it for themselves, but they never once let on that they thought I was anything less than beautiful during that time. Even though all I could see when I looked in the mirror were zits and frizzy hair and braces, I knew there were at least a few people in the world who thought I was beautiful.

And that gave me  confidence to face the rest of the world!

why I tell my girls they're beautiful

source: Mandi Ehman

Someone is Going to Tell Them They’re Beautiful

The bottom line is that if we’re not telling our girls they’re beautiful — not just on the inside, but on the outside as well — now and through their awkward stages and well into their teen and young adult years, someone will.

And if they’ve never really believed they were until that someone says it, then they are at risk to be taken advantage of, pressured into doing things they don’t want to do and losing their identity.

On the other hand, if they already hear — and believe — that the people who truly love and support them think they’re beautiful, then they will be less taken in by pretty words and promises. They’ll have self-confidence and not have to look for it in other places.

Say It in Context

Of course I’m not suggesting that we tell our kids 100 times a day that they’re beautiful and never talk about their other wonderful traits or qualities. What I am suggesting is that we shouldn’t hold back out of fear for what might happen if we compliment their looks.

We should tell them freely that they are beautiful, and we should also point out the things that make them even more beautiful — a kind smile to a stranger,  a joyful heart, a burst of laughter, a new discovery. They should know that their character shines through and that those things — not just makeup and fashion — make them even more beautiful.

And they should know, without a question or a doubt, that we think they’re lovely. Just the way they are.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Do you tell your girls they’re beautiful? Do you think there are dangers in saying it too much? In not saying it enough?

Mandi Ehman is the founder and publisher behind Life Your Way and the co-author of All in Good Time, as well as a wife and the homeschooling mom to four beautiful girls. She lives with her family on a little slice of heaven in wild, wonderful West Virginia and loves coffee, chocolate, easy meals, beautiful things and minimalist spaces.

  • http://houseofhills.org/ Kathy@HouseofHills

    I was talking to a friend the other day who had attended a human trafficking conference. She said that one of the ways men determine whom they could manipulate is by sitting somewhere and telling a young girl they’re beautiful as they pass by. If a girl simply smiles and says “thank you,” the predator knows that they are not an easy target. They are confident and sure of themselves and not easy manipulated.

    If the girl gets flustered and doesn’t know how to respond, they know that she is not used to hearing that she’s beautiful. She is not confident, and therefore is an easier target and perhaps worth pursuing.

    This information TOTALLY freaked me out. It gave me a totally different perspective about how my beautiful daughter could be targeted by a predator.

    So, them hearing and accepting that they are beautiful (especially to those who love them) also helps protect them.

    • Sarah W.

      Kathy, that is really interesting! Thanks for sharing!! 

    • http://lifeyourway.net Mandi @ Life…Your Way

      Thank you for sharing this, Kathy — it’s sad that we even have to talk about it, but what a great reminder of WHY we need to give our girls that self-confidence!

  • Cindy

    One thing I would add that I have tried to do with my own daughter is project a healthy self-image. I don’t want her to grow up seeing me always dieting or trying to lose a few pounds. Some of my mom friends have commented to me and others their daughters have bellies or are on the chunky side…the girls hear their moms when they say this, and those words stick with them for a lifetime (I speak from experience).

  • Lori

    I too read the huffinton post article and understand where she’s coming from. It made me rethink my nickname for my baby, “pretty”. But I still call her that. I still tell her she’s precious, and cute, and pretty every day. I also tell her how smart she is and commend her when she does something nice for her brother or gives random hugs.

    I think you hit the nail on the head. They need to know they are beautiful inside and out and they need to know it all the time, even when they don’t think they are.

    • Eskimo458

      My friend told me recently that her mother was always so proud of her beautiful daughters and told them frequently that they were beautiful and talented. But as a young adult my friend struggled with her self image and feelings of self worth. It wasn’t until she was almost 30 that she realized she modeled her behavior after her mother’s.
      While her mother was lifting up her daughters, she would drag herself down. She would stand in front of the mirror and point out every flaw. She couldnt take a compliment and refused to be in pictures. And if she was ever in a picture she would belittle herself.
      My friend learned that although her mothers praise and love did deeply impact her for the good, it was her mothers actual example that she followed.
      As a mother of a daughter, it has given me a lot to think about.
      I believe in praising my daughter on her beauty inside and out. I want her to know I love every part about her and I cherish her femininity. But I also want her to see I feel the same way about myself.

      • Lori

        You are so right! Actions do speak louder than words! No one is perfect and we are all working on some part of our selves. But we need to do it in front of our kids in a positive manner. We are trying to better ourselves for our own reasons, not to conform to some standard society may have. I am pretty comfortable with who I am (how many years did it take to get here!) but still have things I’d like to do to make me a better person because I want to.

      • http://lifeyourway.net Mandi @ Life…Your Way

        This is so, so very important. Your comment has made me catch myself doing these same things. I’m pretty confident in general, but I’m maybe a little too vocal when my crazy hair isn’t cooperating or I don’t feel attractive in a certain piece of clothing. Thank you for sharing this!!

  • Amy

    I love, love, love, love, love your thoughts on this. 
    Yes, yes, to all of it.

  • Jen

    Oh yes yes yes! This is so true. Sometimes I feel guilty telling our daughter that she’s beautiful. I think I should be complimenting her on something in her personality or a kind action. But YES we should continue to tell her that she’s beautiful. Thanks for the reminder!

  • Juli

    I agree wholeheartedly!  I have always told my girls that they are beautiful.  My husband has as well, with the same thought that if he doesn’t some other male will!  

  • Susan

    I agree with you whole-heartedly!  It is awful that our society “filters” their words and feelings to the point that you/others miss out…..if you love, share lovely words so someone can feel your love; if you hurt, express yourself and get the comfort you need; if you are angry, don’t keep it bottled up.  A beautiful child can very well be beautiful on so many levels – enjoy their beauty!

  • KimH

    I agree with you completely..  I have 2 daughters & 2 step daughters who I raised and Im a total believer in building them up.. inside & out.. 

  • http://parentingmiracles.net/ JessieLeigh

    Oh, this is so well-written and so well-said.  Like the rest of the world it seems, I read that article and, to be honest?  It made me feel bad. Like I was somehow inferior to the author for complimenting girls’ beauty and not being so “progressive.”  I think little girls– like little boys– are total packages!  And I will readily admit that I’ve called little boys “handsome”, too. :)

  • http://aboutone.com/ Tara from AboutOne

    This is very well said, Mandi. I have always made a point to tell my daughter that she’s beautiful as often as I compliment other traits. I don’t want her to believe that she’s just a pretty girl, but that she’s a well rounded person who is good at many things. It works for us.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1184128567 Jennifer Lockett

    I completely agree.  I was picked on and made fun of because of my red hair as a child.  Because my parents did not positively counter that message, I grew up with poor self-image and low confidence.  I tell my daughter she is beautiful to counter any negative messages she may receive and so that she doesn’t need to look for that affirmation elsewhere.  I don’t emphasize her looks, and also affirm her other positive traits as well.

    • Qsaver

      My daughter has red hair as well, and unfortunately, kids still pick on the redheads.  I guess redheads are a minority that is still socially acceptable to target.  Anyway, I also make a point to tell her she is beautiful to counter the negative messages she receives from “friends”.  She has told me she doesn’t feel like she’s beautiful, and while I do try to focus her thoughts on inner beauty and positive character traits, her tender heart absolutely needs to be told she is beautiful.  I will never apologize for that.

      • http://www.jaymiehorak.wordpress.com Jaymie

        Qsaver- I think it is pretty amazing your daughter tells you that she doesn’t feel beautiful. I would never tell my mom that because she’d roll her eyes, etc or tell me then I should wear make up more often. Even if she didn’t, that is what she has put off in the past when I am upset with how I look. Now, my mom is leaps and bounds kinder than her own mother. But my family is not open with each other about our heart. You must be doing something right. 

  • Tracy

    Totally agree!  Well said.

  • Beth

    I’m so glad you wrote this and that I found it. I read that article you are referring to (who didn’t, it received so much press!) and I was really uncomfortable with it. I wanted to write a response but couldn’t really formulate what I was feeling into something reasonable. You’ve said exactly what I wish I could have said. Thank you! 

  • Stephanie

    I agree. As the mother of two (soon-to-be-three!) little girls, I often tell my girls how beautiful they are. That said, I do try to give specific compliments that broaden the definition of beauty. I admire not only their shiny blonde curly locks, their sparkling blue eyes, and their perfect rosebud lips…but also their contagious laughter, their sweet smiles, their compassionate hearts, their generous tendencies, their creative thoughts, etc. 

  • MBooth_98

    i agree, and disagree at the same time.  I do tell my daughters they are beautiful often.  But Lisa’s article made me think.  When I see my friend’s little girls I DO always comment on their pretty dress or hair or shoes.  But when i see their little boys I pretty much never do that. I ask how school is, or what movies they like, etc.  I do think we need to tell our girls they are beautiful but also inquire about their interests and look past their beauty to talk about the rest of them.

    • http://lifeyourway.net Mandi @ Life…Your Way

      I think we agree; this is how I feel as well. There’s definitely something to be said about how we as a society interact with little girls; I’m just not sure those same lessons should be applied at home!

  • http://www.quirkybookworm.com Jessica @ Quirky Bookworm

    Funny, because I read that article recently, and then a couple of days later was dressing my then 19-month-old for church. After I dressed her she looked down at herself and said, “CUTE!” I told my husband all panickedly that we needed to stop saying she was cute so much!

    But, I agree with what you say — especially with focusing on true inner beauty. I’m not going to stop telling Eleanor she’s cute (or pretty or beautiful) but I will try to say it a wee bit less, and make it more about her inner character not about her clothes. Although, I have to say, those pink cowboy boots are pretty darn CUTE! :)

  • Ellen

    Such a valid point – I think my daughters need to hear (often) that they are beautiful. 

    I do think the Huffington article is right in many ways too. It’s a balance. I also want my girls to be appreciated for their thoughts and ideas. I’d like ‘beautiful’ to be a part of the mix.

    I also think there’s a difference between telling a little girl she is beautiful and commenting on her shoes. One is going straight to the heart of who she is. The other is just saying that she bought the right clothing. That’s an important distinction, one I am trying to uphold in my conversations with girls. I would much rather say “you have beautiful eyes” than “your shoes are so pretty”. I have no problem appreciating pretty clothes with my girls and so I do compliment their choices, but I want them to truly feel seen for who they are, not which clothes they choose. 

    • http://lifeyourway.net Mandi @ Life…Your Way

      Well said, Ellen — I agree with everything you wrote!

  • Catie Newby

    Could. not. agree. more. Very well said. :)

  • http://twitter.com/LittleWriterMom Lisa Littlewood

    I have two little girls and couldn’t agree more!!! I don’t remember my parents telling me these sorts of things a whole lot when i was younger…and I think that led to a lot of confidence/self-esteem issues over the years…We need to be the first ones to affirm our children so they don’t go looking for affirmation elsewhere! 

  • Melinda J

    Great article and point of view! And I have to say, my son also loves to hear that he is gorgeous. :)

  • Janine Bottger

    I totally agree.  A friend, and a mother of a girl, sent me that article last year.  At first I agreed with it, then the more I thought about it, I started having the same thoughts that you did.  My daughter is beautiful, inside and out, and I tell her everyday.  I dont want some teenage boy telling my daughter that for the first time, then taking advantage of her because she has low self esteem.  I wish I had heard that I was a beautiful person when I was growing up.

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  • hippie4ever

    Hi,

    I have an almost 3 yr old son and I constantly tell him how beautiful he is. AND he is, I love his laugh, his silliness, his smile, his attitude…most of the time. I’ve heard that Pretty refers to the outward appearance and Beautiful refers to the whole person – to their soul. My husband is fond of saying “Your Beautiful inside and out.” I think we should tell all our children how beautiful they are:)

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  • KarenLoe

    Mandi, it’s a poignant post.
    My 14 year old daughter LONGS to be beautiful.  It breaks my heart that we, as woman, must constantly struggle with such a desire as this.
    I thank you for your post!  I learned a few things.

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  • http://ajoyrenewed.blogspot.com/ Brittnie (A Joy Renewed)

    I really agree with your thoughts here. I think you worded it SO well by saying that eventually someone will tell our girls they are beautiful, and if they have not been hearing it from us also, it sets them up for manipulation/hurt/etc. While I feel that it is the inside character of a girl/woman that needs to shine brightest, it is important to be telling our girls how beautiful they are! 

  • LoraBrawley

    I think telling daughters they’re beautiful is a great thing.  However I don’t think we spend enough time and energy defining what “beautiful” really means.  The reality is that most young girls and women don’t fit into what the word means to the majority of society.  And I think that’s were the trouble begins.  And no matter how many times their parents tell them they’re beautiful, if the world is telling them something different day in and day out, the reassurance of their parents isn’t enough to sustain most young girls.

    I often think instead of widening our definition of outer beauty we focus on inner beauty.  But like the author said, young girls want and need both.

    • http://lifeyourway.net Mandi @ Life…Your Way

      I agree with you, but I wonder if raising a generation of self-confident girls who believe they are beautiful — just the way they are — is the way to redefine beauty in our society? Is it easy to instill that confidence? It’s not, but I think when we tell them they’re beautiful and instill self-confidence about their other skills and character traits, we’re at least on the right track!

  • http://bonkersinbarnhart.com/ Marie

    Yes, I do tell my daughter she is beautiful and I also tell tell her the things about herself that make her beautiful in my eyes.  I feel it is important for her to know that she is a lovely young woman no matter what other people might say and that there are many reasons to support that.  She is a pretty confident young lady so far but also very caring and considerate of others.

    That said, I also have a son, and I tell him he’s handsome often also.  I compliment him on his lovely smile, he cute freckles :-) , his pretty eyes.  With him I also make sure to bolster the non-physical things that make him “handsome” as well — that he is a sweet tempered young man who often thinks of others first. 

    I think it’s important that both my children know that they have strengths which do no rely solely on looks but I think we all want to feel “beautiful” as well at times.

  • http://www.fashioninghearts.blogspot.com/ Amy@FashioningHearts

    Well written and so true.  I found your post through Simple Mom today and I couldn’t agree more.  My mom did this for me, and even though I knew that I wasn’t absolutely beautiful, I had confidence, and that was so important.  Now I have seven girls of my own (and five boys) and I tell them that they are beautiful every day.  And I mean it.  Like you said, a smile, a kind word, the joy over a discovery… those things make anyone beautiful.  And I point out the opposite too.  A sour look or a cruel word can quickly cancel out beauty.  I do tell my boys that they are beautiful (the little ones) and handsome (the bigger ones), too.  They need to hear it as well.  

  • MJ

    I tell my daughter that she is beautiful every day – and I am talking about every inch of her!  From her toes to her nose and everything in between – her heart, her brain, her soul.  It is my JOB to tell her – she needs to know woman-to-woman, that she is the most beautiful thing in the world and that she can move mountains.  And in addition to telling her how beautiful she is, I also tell her how smart she is, that she can do anything – I never want her to doubt either one.  She needs to know that she is the “complete package” – body, mind and soul – and it is my hope that when she is out in the world someday that she will have the confidence to grab what she wants and not feel that she doesn’t deserve it, because she isn’t fill-in-the-blank-here worthy.

  • Guest

    My parents didn’t tell me I was beautiful all that often, but something I  very vividly remember my dad complimenting me about was my muscles. I was a dancer and had really developed calf, quad, and back muscles. Whenever I would sit on my dad’s lap, he would grab my leg and say, “Look at those muscles, wow.” Even if my muscles weren’t that strong, I thought they were. Whenever I faced a physical challenge, say when we had to to do pull ups in gym class, I would think to myself, “oh, I’ve got this, I’m the strongest one here.” My dad didn’t tell me I was beautiful (he left that to my grandfather), instead he gave me strength I didn’t know I had. 

    • Heather

      Yes! This was my reaction to the post! I think actions definitely speak louder than words, especially when it comes to girls and self-esteem.

      Your experience sounds similar to mine. I was really into martial arts as a teenager (my dad actually taught the class). When we would line up to do various moves on the punching bags and mats, after I would hit it, my dad would sometimes tell the other students, mostly teenage boys, in the class, “Yeah! You guys need to start hitting a girl!” (more than a few times, I’d glance over and get a wink from my dad). He did the same for the other girls in the class, too. I remember feeling so proud and empowered. My dad didn’t tell me all the time that I was beautiful, but I KNEW he thought I was not just beautiful in his eyes, but strong and capable. I’m 30, married with two kids now, and he still does that for me!

      • Heather

        Oooops!! I meant to start hitting LIKE a girl. Yeah, big difference. Yikes. 

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  • Myahstjohn

    We tell our girls they are beautiful all the time!  We also give them tons of praise from their positive actions, achievements and efforts.  :)  Life is all about a balance.

  • http://sleepingshouldbeeasy.wordpress.com/ Sleeping Mama

    Very thought-provoking post. My two-year-old gets comments/”awws”/stares from strangers pretty often and I just politely say, “Thank you.” At home though, I don’t really tell him that he’s handsome or cute all too often. I’m afraid that giving him too many compliments based on his appearance will encourage him to think that his appearance trumps all other traits he has.

    I think when you pay your daughters the compliment of “beautiful,” you’re doing so in a more wholesome way than the traditional appearance-only compliment. I tell my son he’s a cutie pie when he’s laughing like crazy rather than when he’s got his hair combed or wearing something new. Even though I really do think he’s quite handsome, I try not to focus on it too much. I knew several beautiful women in college who, despite their breathtaking appearance, were so insecure because they’ve always been praised for their beauty, and that was “their thing,” rather than being a good friend, or smart, or adventurous, etc.

    I don’t want to encourage my son to think that his appearance, which he has little control over, is what will give him happiness. He’ll know in his own time that he’s one handsome guy and hopefully he won’t think that’s all he has.

  • Kelvert1

    I tell my daughter and son they are beautiful. I tell them I love how their eyes light up when they laugh. They both have smiles gorgeous enough to light a room. They are beautiful inside and out and I tell them with specific and exact words all the time. This is probably because I didn’t feel loved or beautiful as a child. Later on in life I finally realized what an amazing, intelligent, loving, AND beautiful I am. I want my children to know those things their entire lives. The realization changed my life and made it better.

  • Ashank9

    I agree, sort of.  I guess I just agree with the Huffington Post article a little more.  I don’t think that article was saying that you should never comment on a little girl’s appearance but that it shouldn’t be the first thing out of your mouth and it shouldn’t be the thing upon which you you compliment them the most.

    Just because we live in a society obsessed with appearance doesn’t mean that we should cater to that in the way we talk to our children.  

    • http://lifeyourway.net Mandi @ Life…Your Way

      I actually agree completely with your first paragraph. And I really agreed with Lisa’s assertion that as strangers that shouldn’t be the thing we’re focusing on when we’re meeting little girls.

      This part I strongly disagree with, though: “Just because we live in a society obsessed with appearance doesn’t mean
      that we should cater to that in the way we talk to our children.” Our society is obsessed with an unrealistic, air-brushed definition of beauty. I’m not talking about catering to that at all; instead, I think all little girls (and I’m speaking to little girls because that’s all I have) should know that they’re beautiful just the way they are and just because they’re themselves. That’s pretty much as countercultural as you get, and I think when girls/women in our society believe that, the obsession with appearance disappears.

  • Kerry D.

    Wonderful comments, you all!  I think it’s important to tell my daughter and sons that they are beautiful, compliment their wonderful traits and character, and strength and capability… 

    And, I agree so much that it is important to set a healthy example, being positive about our appearance, appreciating and caring for our bodies.  Negative body image is a dangerous zone, especially in our media culture.

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  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/YUOROYHKTKXZAQAECQFR2PUPOM Noelle C

    I have a daughter (preteen) who won’t brush her hair, can barely bother with changing clothes (unless nagged) and I wish someone would tell her how nice she looks when she does wear something nice.  Plenty of people tell her how smart she is, but it would be great for me and for her if she knew that dressing nicely and taking care of herself were just as important as being smart.  It really is, you know.  No one, not even McDonalds, is going to hire someone who can’t be bothered to change clothes and brush their hair for an interview. I’m sure there’s a balance here somewhere, but not telling your daughter how nice she looks in a dress is as much of a mistake as forgetting to tell her how nice she IS.

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  • Naomi

    I had a similar reaction to the HuffPost article. I agreed with everything she said, but at the same time, as a child I was never told I was pretty or beautiful and that wasn’t necessarily empowering, especially in Western society where so much emphasis is placed on appearance. I was raised in an insular religious community where the highest compliment a girl could aspire to was “One day you’ll make some man a good cook!” Empowering kids was beyond our frame of reference–complimenting a child on her appearance risked making her proud–the horror! Now as a feminist academic, I’d like to think I’ve moved beyond the dogma of my upbringing as well as that of the broader culture.  Unfortunately, they are still a part of me (as they are of anyone else) and something I will need to continually deal with. 

    As for my almost-three-year-old daughter, she’s getting the race-car birthday cake she’s begging for, she has someone read her favorite space book to her at least once a day, AND she hears me say that she is beautiful.  I know it’s registering when she holds my face between her hands and says, “You’re so cute!”

  • http://maemaedaily.com/ Magen

    Thank you for giving us a different perspective. It seems as if we can take away something from both posts :)

  • Knitalot3

    Great post.  You and your girls are amazingly beautiful.  Your beauty is more than skin deep.

  • http://spasfam.com/ Sarahbeth

    I tried posting the other day, but it appears to have not been approved yet?  I just wanted to say how valuable I think this perspective is, and that it isn’t said enough.  I wrote a similar idea in a post on Feb 2, which parallels some of the things you shared.  I think we need to celebrate our daughters and re-define what it *means* to be beautiful.  That it’s about so much more than the physical nature.  http://spasfam.blogspot.com/2012/02/why-i-tell-my-daughter-i-think-shes.html

  • http://www.momdropbox.com Audrey

    I too tell both my kids that they are beautiful, and often.  
    But I have mixed feelings about this issue because I’ve seen- far too frequently- how physical appearance becomes a fixation and measure of self-worth for so many girls / women.  I’ve seen this continue as an adult as women harshly judge themselves, and I’ve watched women get judged in business based on physical appearance.  It’s such a shame.  So yes, I want my daughter to know she’s beautiful, just as she is.  But I also want her to know that she is so much more than just a pretty girl.    

    • http://lifeyourway.net Mandi @ Life…Your Way

      I definitely agree, Audrey. I think as a society we put way too much emphasis on looks. But I think instilling confidence in our girls that they are beautiful (even when society may not agree) helps to counteract that in many ways.

      I also like the definition someone else gave of pretty and beautiful:

      “I also think there’s a difference between telling a little girl she is
      beautiful and commenting on her shoes. One is going straight to the
      heart of who she is. The other is just saying that she bought the right
      clothing. That’s an important distinction, one I am trying to uphold in
      my conversations with girls.”

      I think that’s really true, and I’m trying to be conscious of it in my own conversation!

  • http://www.itsawahmlife.com Jackie Lee

    Wow, this was a wonderful post, and some amazingly powerful responses! I have a beautiful daughter, and I tell her often that she is beautiful. I also tell her she’s smart (especially around Math stuff ~ since I didn’t get that growing up), and that she’s a great speller, and an amazing reader, and I tell her how kind she is, and generally try to catch her in the middle of random acts of kindness and generosity to appreciate them and tell her so. I definitely agree that our girls need to hear from both parents they are beautiful ~ both inside and out. 

  • mumspk

    This bought tears to my eyes. I think you’re right when you say most girls grow up with a need to feel beautiful. I know my girls love prettying themselves up with accessories and I certainly haven’t actively encouraged this. When I ‘notice’ their efforts they LIGHT UP – which is even more beautiful than their original efforts of making themselves more beautiful.

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  • sarah w.

    Love love love love love this article!
    That HP article did not sit right with me, nor does the movement of “not letting our daughters be princesses”.  I have never been able to articulate why I disagreed so much with that line of thinking (after all, a lot of people with my similar value system ascribe to it).  Your article completely put into words my exact thoughts!!  I do not write as beautifully as you, but I absolutely LOVE this!!  My daughter IS beautiful, and I find it very important for her to know that.  Yes, she has many great qualities, but beauty is one of them :)

  • jenne

    I have been blessed with a truly beautiful little girl.  She is just barely over a year old, and I tell her daily she is special and beautiful.  I personally hate the “princessification” happening and cannot stand when I hear someone call my daughter princcess.
    I do however remember the FIRST time anyone told me I was beautiful. I was 13 having breakfast in a Denny’s and it was the waitress who said I was strikingly beautiful.  I was shocked and didn’t know how to respond becuase I had NEVER in my life heard anything like that.
    I was raised by my grandmother, who held compliments with strings attached.  I would be told a dress looked pretty ON me, or that my out fit MADE me look nice. Leading me to believe that it was what I wore that made me attractive or not. I could never imagine that I, ME was pretty let alone BEAUTIFUL.  It did create challenges for me as I believed that the only way to get anyone to notice me or take interest was to have a pretty outfit or hair,or…..etc. 
    So as some may disagree with my thoughts I am proof of why it is needed.  All situations require moderation, however I believe it is very important that a girl be told she is beautiful.  I would hate my self if my daughter grew up with the same doubts I had.

    It is sad to me that with all of the pressures they face and the ouside world telling them they will never be enough.  Our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, and friends desperatly need to be told that they are smart, beautiful, wanted and needed.  But mostly that they are exactly wonderful for WHO they are.

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  • http://meredithisnew.wordpress.com/ Meredith

    I totally agree with you, Mandi! It’s so important for our kids to hear praise for their talents, hearts, minds AND beauty. True and healthy encouragement for everything that they are! I linked this on my new blog. Thanks for sharing!  

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  • http://www.jaymiehorak.wordpress.com Jaymie

    This is a great article. Whenever someone tells me that I am “beautiful” it blows me away. I was called beautiful probably until preteen years? Whenever I started being embarrassed of my mom hugging me in public is about the time I stopped hearing compliments. My mom would roll her eyes and say “You are a beautiful girl” sometimes when I threw a tantrum about how ugly I feel I am. So at least I had that. My dad saying it via email was invalid because I never saw him or talked to him. It’s great to say it to little girls, but don’t ever stop. Say it when they are preteens and teens because you are right – they will hear it somewhere else. Kids are listening even when parents think they aren’t. In fact, they are probably listening more then than ever before.
    Actually this is a reason why I think a successful marriage is important for a child growing up. A mom will get drained loving her children with nothing in return – sometimes not even an acknowledgement. If no one is telling mom how beautiful SHE is (my mom is beautiful, btw), then her desire to tell her children how beautiful they are may (read: will) drain. Being a single mom must be the worst thing in the world during those preteen/teenage/college years. 

    • http://lifeyourway.net Mandi @ Life…Your Way

      Good reminder, Jaymie — I think you’re right that it’s more important the older they get!

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