4 Simple Ways to Make Your Kids the Best of Friends

by Amanda on May 18, 2012

The following post is from Amanda of OhAmanda.com and Impress Your Kids:

clubhouse for kids

source: bohman

My children have a clubhouse. It’s got a clubhouse sign, a password and even a calculator outside so you can punch in a PIN before entering. They will go to their clubhouse and spend forever talking, playing and who-really-knows-what-they-do. And where is this awesome clubhouse? In the backyard? In some old refrigerator boxes? The woods? Nope. It’s in the cabinets under my son’s bathroom sink. But to my kids it’s Swiss Family Robinson’s Tree House!

My favorite part of the clubhouse is the sign. I took a picture of it so you can see it in all it’s glory…

sibling club

source: Amanda White

And in case you can’t read Kindergarten-er, here’s the translation, “Secret Hideout. We go inside everyday. Brothers and Sisters come in. Only Lydia and Asa. You can come and check on us.” I love that it’s just a brother and sister hideout. One of my top-ten parenting goals is to make sure my kids are the best of friends. I actively work on their relationship and help them work on it, too.

Here’s some ways (I hope) we’re helping them stay the best of friends…

1. Keep Them Together

One reason we decided to homeschool is so the kids could be together most of the day. Of course, you don’t have to homeschool to keep your kids’ tight. But you can limit after-school activities, or at least do after-school stuff together. You can make a priority to do family activities everyone enjoys–camping, movies, games and more. You can eat meals together, have all the family involved in bedtime routines and even sit at church together. Give them the opportunity to make memories, play together and work together.

2. Keep Them Respectful

The two biggest “sins” in our household are disrespecting Mommy and Daddy AND disrespecting siblings. If I hear whining, yelling, complaining at the other sibling, I will not allow it to go on. We work on apologizing to each other, hugging and keeping our words gentle. It’s hard but I don’t want the after-school-cartoon standard of “Ugh! My little brother is sooooo annoying!” to be the norm in our household.

One of my favorite tricks for keeping siblings loving even when they don’t want to is from our illustrious editor, Mandi. She says she has her girls sit in time-out holding hands until they are ready to be kind. Here’s how it usually goes down…

siblings

source: Mandi Ehman

Perfect, right?

3. Keep Them Sharing

One of the best parenting tips I ever received was from my friend, Jodi (mom of 5 girls and 1 adopted boy!). She said when her daughters are fighting over a toy she says, “If you’re loving that toy more than you’re loving each other then it’s time to put it away.” It puts the fighting in perspective and has a built in consequence.

I’ve used this several times with my kids and I know sometimes they probably do think, “I’d rather have the toy!” but it still shows what we value in our home. Not fairness. Not equality in playing time. We value each other. We value relationship.

4. Brainwash Them

My kids are only 3 and 6 so this is a little easier now. When they go to bed, I make them give hugs and say, “I love you!” It usually ends in a hugging-wrestling-giggling match. I tell them, “She’s your best friend!” and “You will be best friends forever!” on a regular basis. And you know what? They believe it!

I know how much I love my little brother (who is now taller than me, married with a daughter and owns his own business), and I want my children to know that forever relationship of loving your sibling. I want them to recognize the built-in best friend God gave them–for their whole life!

How do you help your kids become and stay best friends?

Amanda is a stay-at-home mom of two who blogs at OhAmanda.com and Impress Your Kids. In her former life, Amanda was a Children’s Pastor — overseeing, organizing and developing ministry for kids in nursery through middle school, but now that she is a mom, her “skills” are used up on her kids!

  • http://www.simplymelsblog.com/ Simply Mel

    This was wonderful! I love #’s 2 and 3! My daughters can be extremely rude and disrespectful to each other. I have never thought of expecting them to show the same courtesy and respect to each other as they do to us. I doesn’t “have” to be the norm. And holding hands during a time out for fighting…. brilliant!!!

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       I know, that hand-holding is awesome!!

  • Jennifer

    I only have one, but I still think this is applicable to all family relationships.  #4 also can be used for other things.  For 4 months leading up to his 3rd birthday, I constantly told him that 3 year old boys do all their business on the potty.  A week before his third birthday, I asked him if he wanted to “practice” and from that moment on…with very few accidents.

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       Yes! Brainwashing works wonders for all occasions! ;)

  • http://www.structureinanunstructuredlife.com/ Beth

    This is such a great post – thank you! I have two boys – almost 6 and almost 3 – and I am excited to begin using these strategies and ideas TODAY! My boys are beginning to be better friends and play together more as my youngest gets older, but I’m glad to have ways to actively and purposefully encourage those interactions! Thanks again!

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       My kids are the exact same age as yours! I love love love seeing them play together!

  • http://alyssaavant.com/blog Alyssa Avant

    Love love love it! My kids are close in age and I think that helps at least my little two.  The oldest usually disrupts their fun.

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       Yeah, I’m sure more kids in the mix, makes a different vibe. Especially w/a spread of ages. Mine are only 3 years apart.

  • http://theshiremum.com/ Melissa Gassman

    I love these ideas, so simple and clever. My older boys are 5 and 3 and fight a lot whether or not a toy is involved. They can also play beautifully together and nothing makes me happier as a mum. I often tell them how wonderful it is to have a brother and that they are the closest thing to each other in the world. But giving them their own cubby PIN pad to share is way cooler :)

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       I love it–reminding them of what a gift their brother is! And the PIN pad *is* pretty awesome! ;)

  • Catherine

    Great article. I love the sharing tip and telling them they’re best friends. I question daily whether to stop them from arguing like you do or whether to let them argue so as to develop problem-solving skills they will use all their lives. Where do you draw the line on ugliness without taking away their opportunities to learn?

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       I know what you mean. I think it’s when it gets into disrespect (especially over nothing, “Uh! She touched my foot!”) or something that is potentially emotionally-harmful. If they are just arguing about which game to play, I let them figure it out. Does that make sense? It’s like if I can hear venom behind it, then I interrupt.

      • Catherine

        Thanks. That’s a good mental image for me. If I can hear the venom, it’s time to step in and ask them if they can use kinder words while they solve this problem.

        • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

           Yes! I like how you put that–still allowing them to solve the problem but guiding them to do it in a loving way.

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  • http://www.devotedfromtheinsideout.com/ Kelli

    Oh, this is something I need to be more intentional and creative about! I have 4 kids, 11, 8, 5, and 2. Your kids secrect hideout inspired me to create a space just for my kids, a place they can share and build memories.

    Love this though…”If you’re loving that toy more than you’re loving each other then it’s time to put it away.” I am going to steal it ;)

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       Steal away! I stole it straight from my friend Jodi! :)

  • Joanna Y Pérez S

    I like it! I have two child one almost 4-years-old-girl and almost 2 years-old-boy and they love each others! Play, eat, sleep and some times shower together! I make they made littles thinks for the other: a picture, give a toy, give a food, like a gift or like an act of services. Last nigth the boy help me wash and wear a doll for his sister and he gave it in the morning, when she saw the doll she smile and run to hug and kiss him saying: thank little bro, I love you, you’re wonderfull! Isn’t cute…?
    ….please forgive my bad english, I’m learning yet ;-)

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

      I love that idea–intentionally doing something special for the sibling. I’m going do that! {Your English is great!}

  • Sandy

    I do these, too!!!  I’ve been brainwashing mine since my oldest was 2 and her sister was born!

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       Ha! Yay for brainwashing! ;)

  • Melissa

    Perfect post. We just celebrated birthdays 4 and 2 around here, and that means they are playing more together, and consequently arguing more as well. I copied #3 in bold in my parenting journal! We’ve had the rule for a while that if you’re arguing about a toy and can’t solve it yourselves, the toy goes away. But that phrase is exactly the sentiment I need! I want them to understand it’s not about fairness, it’s about love.

    Our second child was a surprise, who none of us could live without of course. But we weren’t planning on them being so close in age, because we are more spread out with our own siblings, that was our ‘plan.’ Turns out making a cross country move where you get to bring your best friend makes all the difference in the world to a little kid! SO thankful they have each other.

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

      Exactly–that sentiment changes the take-the-toy-away-for-fighting rule. It reminds them (and us) that relationship is the most important. I love it!

  • http://joyceandnorm.wordpress.com Joyce and Norm

    I love this post!! My mom has taught us to always be friends with our siblings because they are one of the longest relationships we will have. And I’m not sure if it was brainwashing or we did do a lot of things together growing up, but we really are each other’s best friends, my older sis, younger sis, baby bro and I. I’m so glad that for the most part my girls get along. There are little arguments here and there, but for the most part they are each other’s best friends. I hope it stays that way. :)

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       I love hearing that! And especially that there are 4 of you as close as you are. Thanks for sharing! :)

  • Pile91

    Awesome! Ours just turned 5 and 3, and we’ve been struggling with this for awhile now and have not found the answers. Praying that implementing hese suggestions will change behaviors and attitudes around our home. Thanks for sharing!

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       You’re welcome! Our kids are close to yours, so I know how important it is (and how hard it can be!). :)

  • Catherine

    Thanks so much for the article and the additional comments!  As an only child, I don’t quite know what to do to foster the love between my 2 and 4 year olds and had previously googled the topic and tried to find a book on the subject, to no avail, so this really answers a need I had.

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       Glad you found what you needed! Thanks for your comment! :)

  • Lyndall

    Great stuff – thanks for sharing. There is also some wonderful advice from Christian ministry ‘Visionary Parenting’ on the topic too. Visit visionaryfam dot com, then Media > Downloads, then scroll to ‘Helping Your Children Become Best Friends in Christ: A Christian Vision for Sibling Relationships’ for an MP3 to listen to. For example, encouraging your kids to become accountability/prayer partners instead of with someone from outside your family. May God bless your families richly.

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       Cool! Thanks for the resource suggestion. I love the prayer partner idea. :)

  • http://twitter.com/localMANDI mandi

    Love it!  And I am a first hand witness that what ever your parents did worked b/c you & Jason had such an awesome relationship as kids & I still love seeing you guys together today:)

    BTW – I make mine hug each other after hitting or fighting.  Usually til I count to 30 which by that time they are laughing.  And always end the day w/ hugs, kisses & I love yous.

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

      Aww, I do love my brother! And I think seeing the love Lydia and Asa have makes me love him more b/c I realize how much fun we must have had together as little kids.

      Great idea on the hugging for 30 seconds. I might try that!

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  • http://lovedlikethechurch.com/ Sarah @ Loved Like the Church

    This is such great advice! Our girls are 4 and almost 3 and we make them spend a lot of time together. And their relationship {and keeping it close} is one of the many reasons we’re homeschooling too!

    Something we have our girls do, is compliment each other. We take turns as a family saying what we like about each other and we have fostered the girls to see the beauty in one another – both physical and internal.

    And when we have other friends over, the girls are still to play together. We have a rule that no sister is left behind. Our 4 year old will sometimes choose her friend over her sister {especially if the friend is older and therefore “cooler”}. When that happens, I pull her aside and tell her how she will have friends come and go in life, but that her sister will always be her sister AND friend so she needs to treat her with even more love and respect.

    My girls fight like all siblings {and I’m sure once my son is old enough, they’ll all fight}, but they have such a sweet relationship and care for each which is so wonderful!

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       I love that idea, Sarah–practicing giving compliments to each other. I think we’re gonna do that, too!

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  • http://twitter.com/lrwhitney Lindsey Whitney

    This is a big goal of mine too. I got the book “Making brothers and sisters best friends”  but it seemed to be more for the older crowd (8+).  These are some good ideas for when they are little.  Our oldest is 2 now and I’m in constant debate over the home school situation!  

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       I didn’t know what I wanted to do for school until about 3 months before Kindergarten started! Don’t worry about it yet! ;)

      Also, going to check out that book! Thanks for the mention.
      a

  • Nerida

    These are all great & helpful ideas.  One more thing probably goes without saying… the way we relate to each other as parents would be one of the strongest models to our kids.  I’m so glad my husband encouraged us always to be kind & fair (& quick to apologise) in our own discussions & relating, and through that God helped us to build a pattern for our kids to follow.

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       Fabulous advice, Nerida! Yes, modeling is key! Thank you. :)

  • Mommmied

    I love your post! My kids are grown–22, 26, and 28. Building lasting relationships between the three was high priority for me and it took a great deal of effort. (My oldest and youngest fought like cats and dogs.) Something worked…my kids today cannot stand to let a week go by without at least getting together for coffee. Hang in there!

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       I love it! That’s what I want for my own kids. What an encouragement you are! :)

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  • Nicole Beaty

    Hi I just read your post, and I can tell you as a daughter this is so incredibly important and it really works.  My sisters and I were raised very much like this – we ate every meal that we were home for around the table and the tv was turned off.  We didn’t do things that could not be done as a family, and we are very much blessed.  We are so close – one of my sisters and I currently live together.  We have so many friends that say they could not do that and how they wish they were closer to their siblings, and it was strange at first because we never really knew different.  I am so glad that there are parents out there doing this intentionally with their children!

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       Thank you for sharing your story! It’s good to hear that it does work! ;)

  • Sarah R

    i really love the phrase, “If you are loving that toy more than you are loving each other then it is time to put it away.” perfect! 

    i also brainwash my boys! i tell them that being a brother is better than being a super hero. and i found a print on Etsy that says the same thing and hung it in their room. they came up with their own little thing; they put their hands together and say, “brothers forever, working together!” so cute! 

    • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

       I love that! I’m a big fan of hanging words up around the house. I need to find something like that for my kiddos!

      a

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